Ashleigh...For Real

23 years I've been walking this earth and I have never been skinny or small, it took most of my life to come to come to grips with the fact that I will never be thin. I will never have the round azz that in todays society makes you beautiful, I will never have the flat tummy or six pack that is acceptable today. Now give me credit I've lost 45 pounds at one point from working out and eating right, and even after I was still chunky. So why am I dying to look thin or be small when, I know its not in my nature? Why, because the tv said I should, and the light skin fake azz plastics show me that this is the ONLY way men will want you...or the ONLY way people will accept you. The men who scream and holler they want a good woman...NO you want plastic..you want the fake and superficial. I got called ugly today, and It made me wonder why...what about me is ugly? When I look in the mirror I see a pretty face with a big voice and even bigger personality. So why is that because I'm no...

Most of us grow up in a happy environment whether it be both parents or one. I grew up without my father, I remember very vividly holidays and birthdays without him. I can honestly say my mom never let me feel sad about his absence though, not until I got older anyway. Rebelling against her I was always reminded that she was my mom and dad and I should have more respect for her. Until I moved out I didn't know what responsibility really was, granted I've been working and buying for myself since I was fifteen. My mom has always been my backbone, I wasn't taught to be independent I had to learn that on my own. I always leaned on her to clean up the messes I made. Somewhere down the line my respect for an overbearing strict mother was lost. In its place grew disgust and eventually dislike. How do you dislike your parent so much, you don't even like looking at them? It truly bothers me the way that I feel about her, because love and hate can't share a home. I have ridi...

its 8 in the morning and I've already had my cry for today. So tired of being screwed over by men, I really need to do some re evaluating because it keeps happening to me. I hate that I fall so hard and for a long time its something I've wanted to change, I get tired of being so sensitive to situations. So tired of investing all of my feelings only to get hurt. My friends say I should stop, but how do you do that? How do you stop being yourself? How do you let go of so much time, how do you walk away from a life shared? Married men can walk away from a marriage of thousands of years and It's nothing...why can't I let go of a relationship I've only been in for 3? I've gone thru my whole life just wanting to be wanted and needed, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be loved...and just when I think I've found it...it fxcks me. No lube. Yet and still I believe in love....and I believe my beautiful husband is out there, someone who just wants me. I thought I'd...