Ashleigh...For Real

The statement "mother knows best" is so true sometimes. I know that I have expressed some hurtful and awful things about my mother, and this past weekend I just had to apologize. It's truly amazing how we put ourselves in situations, and God allows us to fall just so we can look back, like "Oh! That's what you meant?" I gave it one more chance with my high school sweetheart. After 6 years on and off, 3 kids, multiple females, lies and indiscretion...Im done. It took so long for me to see what my mother, and closest friends were trying to show me the entire time. I'm the type of person who has to make her own mistakes and BOY did I make them. I wanted to believe that he and I could be the difference. I wanted to believe that him, myself and his children could be this beautiful blendid family. Apparently he was playing the family man with other families...several at that. Arguing with my mother about the "love of my life" and she looks me in my e...

I have always been a big girl, for as long as I can remember. I've always been the bigger of my friends, in school if I was described I was known as "big Ashleigh". I've been called it all from; fat, big girl, big bxtch, juicy...the list goes on. Although I'm aware of my size, never has it been a defining factor in a relationship. Any guy I have been in a relationship with or was even sexual with understood and was well aware of my size, at the same time I was also what he was seeking. The turn of events and the reason for this post, is I'm in absolute shock right now. I had recently reconnected with a past love from 08, getting to know each other again and sharing our dreams for the future just seemed to bond us again. We stopped speaking because he had gotten involved with some things I didn't agree with, and to save my own skin...I split. He understood and we moved on with our lives, or so I'd thought. Random interaction with mutual friends who we d...

I'm 23, will be 24 in 3 months and until recently I thought I had experienced true love. Speaking with a friend, and listening to her speak on her relationship just opened my mind up to somethings. After the conversation I realized how much I long to be in love and be happy, and I'm not talking about a 'boo thang' 'bae' and all that other foolishness. I mean unconditional, genuine love, and respect. I long to be partners, lovers and friends, with my mate. I want someone to tell me when I'm right and correct me when I'm wrong. I want someone to love me flaws and all, someone to laugh with just because. My friend told me "Ash, one thing about you...when you Love, you Love HARD". "You are with that man 110%". I couldn't deny her statement because its so true. I love love, I love the idea of being in love. I love the thought of being someone's wife, belonging to someone and him being excited about it. I want my potential mate, hus...

We met in 2007, little did I know I would fall so hard for someone less than a year later. We shouldn't have crossed the line but he was so convincing...it should be a sin to let 1 person have that much control over you! And that is exactly what I said about his then girlfriend and my friend...how stupid she was to be in love with someone so far away, and how ignorant she looked dedicating herself to someone who really didn't care about her. I talked all that foolishness until I experienced him. He stole my heart, not at first though...you see I would never cross a line like that, betray a friends trust? It was so deceitful, and dishonest...but until you've actually been with him you will NEVER understand! I was no longer thinking in control...I had lost TOTAL control, I loved him so much I played 2nd for two WHOLE years faithfully...I didn't date at all. Things had gotten so bad, I'd cry every time he had to leave to be with her, but not because of her...because I ...

23 years I've been walking this earth and I have never been skinny or small, it took most of my life to come to come to grips with the fact that I will never be thin. I will never have the round azz that in todays society makes you beautiful, I will never have the flat tummy or six pack that is acceptable today. Now give me credit I've lost 45 pounds at one point from working out and eating right, and even after I was still chunky. So why am I dying to look thin or be small when, I know its not in my nature? Why, because the tv said I should, and the light skin fake azz plastics show me that this is the ONLY way men will want you...or the ONLY way people will accept you. The men who scream and holler they want a good woman...NO you want plastic..you want the fake and superficial. I got called ugly today, and It made me wonder why...what about me is ugly? When I look in the mirror I see a pretty face with a big voice and even bigger personality. So why is that because I'm no...

Most of us grow up in a happy environment whether it be both parents or one. I grew up without my father, I remember very vividly holidays and birthdays without him. I can honestly say my mom never let me feel sad about his absence though, not until I got older anyway. Rebelling against her I was always reminded that she was my mom and dad and I should have more respect for her. Until I moved out I didn't know what responsibility really was, granted I've been working and buying for myself since I was fifteen. My mom has always been my backbone, I wasn't taught to be independent I had to learn that on my own. I always leaned on her to clean up the messes I made. Somewhere down the line my respect for an overbearing strict mother was lost. In its place grew disgust and eventually dislike. How do you dislike your parent so much, you don't even like looking at them? It truly bothers me the way that I feel about her, because love and hate can't share a home. I have ridi...