Heavy

I have always been a big girl, for as long as I can remember. I've always been the bigger of my friends, in school if I was described I was known as "big Ashleigh". I've been called it all from; fat, big girl, big bxtch, juicy...the list goes on. Although I'm aware of my size, never has it been a defining factor in a relationship. Any guy I have been in a relationship with or was even sexual with understood and was well aware of my size, at the same time I was also what he was seeking. The turn of events and the reason for this post, is I'm in absolute shock right now. I had recently reconnected with a past love from 08, getting to know each other again and sharing our dreams for the future just seemed to bond us again. We stopped speaking because he had gotten involved with some things I didn't agree with, and to save my own skin...I split. He understood and we moved on with our lives, or so I'd thought. Random interaction with mutual friends who we didn't know were mutual, random emails a few conversations on Facebook and here we are back to kicking it. The past couple of weeks have been blissful, not only was I getting good morning text, but phone calls too. Calling me daily just to tell me to have a good day at work, sweet messages just because. Just wonderful. We set up a time to chill and I happily accepted the offer to see my past love. He comes through the door looking so sexy, baby had me swooning. We're talking, reconnecting, kissing, play fighting, just being real cute. I'm enjoying his company, his smile, freckles, dimples and at that point I decided, we can try this again. The night blazes on as did we and morning comes, his demeanor has changed, his kindness has turned and our conversation is the equivalent of one word text messages. The total opposite from the night before. Instead of waking up to sweet kisses and kind words, I was awoken to him preparing to leave. Very odd considering we were supposed to spend the weekend together. I'm asking probing questions to find out what changed in between last night and the morning. He's continuing to go around the world, instead of just being upfront. Feeding me some bs about his car, and Facebook and some more ish. I laid it out "You don't have to lie to kick it, tell me what's up." His statement verbatim: "I'm fxcking with you inside, you're smart and funny, and your personality is A1...but ash, I'm not fxcking with your outsides. We can kick it, I'm going to show you the same attention and affection and if you need dick I'll provide that...but I can't be in a relationship with you until you get your stomach right. I was trying so hard not to say anything but you kept pushing. You gotta get that shyt in order." At this point I'm so taken aback by what he has said, never in my life have I felt so embarrassed. I was so ashamed to be myself, so uncomfortable with me. As he walks out the door he continued to say "...and hey if you find someone who doesn't mind, go with it." I am aware that my recent weight gain has gotten a little out of hand but for some outside person to bring it to my attention like that, speechless is a word that comes to mind. Like you saw me in 2008, you didn't see the 45 pounds I lost or the weight I gained or the struggle to keep it off. People who aren't plus size have NO IDEA what its like to wake up as me EVERYDAY. You have no idea the fight I endure to stay relevant, to stay on top, to still be considered worthy. The price I have to pay because of my size, and never in my life has a man told me he couldn't be with me because he wasn't attracted to me physically. So being that I'm sensitive Ashleigh, I cried my eyes out after he left. Just replaying everything that happened, going over it a hundred times pretending it didn't happen. It did. As much as I want to pretend that it didn't mean anything and its his loss, its MY problem. I just wish I knew where to start. This whole incident has my mind all messed up, and I just want to hide and starve myself. That clearly isn't going to happen, but something has too, this whole mishap just has me feeling down and heavy. As if I wasn't big enough...