Resentment
its 8 in the morning and I've already had my cry for today. So tired of being screwed over by men, I really need to do some re evaluating because it keeps happening to me. I hate that I fall so hard and for a long time its something I've wanted to change, I get tired of being so sensitive to situations. So tired of investing all of my feelings only to get hurt. My friends say I should stop, but how do you do that? How do you stop being yourself? How do you let go of so much time, how do you walk away from a life shared? Married men can walk away from a marriage of thousands of years and It's nothing...why can't I let go of a relationship I've only been in for 3? I've gone thru my whole life just wanting to be wanted and needed, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be loved...and just when I think I've found it...it fxcks me. No lube. Yet and still I believe in love....and I believe my beautiful husband is out there, someone who just wants me. I thought I'd found that...turns out he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. When I think about all my past relationships...what can I really say about them besides the fact that I played victim in the horrific break-ups. I think it stems back to Aj...I don't think I've ever fully recovered. I was so young but I loved him so much and there's nothing that you could say to make feel like I wasn't. I would have taken a bullet for that man...he cheated on me and got a another woman pregnant. When your 17 that's not something you should have to deal with, but my generation and the generation after me at the rate that its going, its almost abnormal not to be be a parent. I was so sick after realizing what had happened...and not having a relationship with my mom I had no one to truly confide in. So whatever pain I felt I cried it all out, let him go but kept the hatred. I tried to move on but the question is did I ever? When I went to college Vincent stole my heart...finally someone who wanted to marry me and live the white pickett fence life. I had my ring...and the planning began...but that shyt came to an abrupt halt...Vincent cheated. His honesty surprised me, but it didn't make me feel any better. Like a dummy I forgave...because I loved him I later realized it was infatuation. Regardless we moved on only to be interrupted again...he cheated, only this time she was pregnant. I can feel myself throwing up as I write this...I had given it 2 1/2 years and there was no coming back from that...no fixing it. So I let him go...but kept the hatred. Out of no where, a close friend something like a saviour was there. After hearing what I had stayed up so many nights crying my soul over, he unexpectedly made me a promise..."I will never hurt you like that". With that I was his...I took comfort in him, forgetting the fact that his then girlfriend was an associate. I guess at the time I deserved some happiness, fxck who it hurt. Boy, what I have learned from that...karma is real and she doesn't play! What I had done to this girl and her relationship came back on me 100 times worse...not only did he start dating one of MY close friends, he fell in love...talk about heart wrenching. The worse part is, I still love him very much. Since then I have been in a relationship, only to get pushed out the way for ex-baby mama...I actually laugh at that one. A complete waste of my time these relationships have been, and at this point I'm just sorting thru the rubble of what my heart used to be trying to piece it together...I honestly think that's something only God can do...bless my heart
It seems what you are going through is setting you up for something far more important than those me. Seems you are gettin set up for a glorious man thats gonna love you for you. I've only known you for a short period but from what I have gathered these gentleman are going to miss you when its all said and done. You have some great qualities and a "REAL" man will take advantage of those. You can't let what they have done block what's.coming in. You have to forgive them and let God..I'm writing this a friend that won't make a promise to hurt you but I write this as a friend that won't leave you and I'm gonna tell you how its going to be no sugar coating.
ReplyDeleteAshleigh. You are a very strong woman. The way I see it, when God see's someone he knows has the potential to change the world he puts them in situations that will prepare them for their destiny. I've been through things continuously and with every bad situation I feel like God keeps nudging me telling me that with what I've been through I should help others and let them no that whats happening to them isn't the end. In your pain, find a way to help others. In your heart, know that someone is out there who will treat you like the beautiful queen you are. Don't lose your willingness to forgive or harden your heart. That may only hurt you in the end. Continue to shine with one of the biggest hearts I've ever met and one day someones going to see how wonderful you are. :]
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kia Rene'
Ash ., my loving big sister ! I have watched you love .& get hurt starting all the way back at Aj ! Never is it wrong to love somebody ., let alone forgive .& forget ! It's not even wrong to love hard . Like Emmanuel says ;- all this you are going through is for the glorious man GOD has for you . What you have to understand is ;- when you stop looking for love .& chasing it *-( not saying you are ] then that's when GOD will put the right man in place to fall into your life . Like they say "GOD DON'T BLESS NO MESS" ! If those aren't the men for you ., then you can't expect GOD to be in your favor with those relationships ! Until GOD puts you .& your husband together ;- you love who you want . As long as you can roll with the punches ! Them punches you rolling with now are the same punches that are preparing you for your husband . It's better that you take the blows now rather than get married .& get burned .& be scorned for the rest of your life ;- never being able to love again !
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