A Mothers love

Most of us grow up in a happy environment whether it be both parents or one. I grew up without my father, I remember very vividly holidays and birthdays without him. I can honestly say my mom never let me feel sad about his absence though, not until I got older anyway. Rebelling against her I was always reminded that she was my mom and dad and I should have more respect for her. Until I moved out I didn't know what responsibility really was, granted I've been working and buying for myself since I was fifteen. My mom has always been my backbone, I wasn't taught to be independent I had to learn that on my own. I always leaned on her to clean up the messes I made. Somewhere down the line my respect for an overbearing strict mother was lost. In its place grew disgust and eventually dislike. How do you dislike your parent so much, you don't even like looking at them? It truly bothers me the way that I feel about her, because love and hate can't share a home. I have ridiculous thoughts that if she died, would I even be upset? It truly bothers me that it has gotten this bad, I have friends whose mother is no longer with them. I should be grateful that I still have mine right? You don't know my mom...my mom is the only person that can suck the joy right out of you. She has let past situations cloud her judgement on who I am, I cannot continue to keep paying for things I did when I was fifteen and sixteen. I can't take back my freshman year, partying and drinking not really concerning myself with school. At the same time, first time away from home...if I hadn't had such a collar around my neck maybe I wouldn't have gotten so loose. I contemplate daily what kind of parent I will be, and honestly I'm terrified. Generational curses exist, and I always told myself that the one on my family ended with me. The women in my family dont know to love, say I love you, show love, hug, kiss...none of that. I wanted to change that. Man my mom is a tough broad, demanding respect from every corner of the room. If you don't show it prepare to be told about it, but how can I show respect to someone who doesn't respect me? Now I know that sounds crazy because I'm her child...that's just it I'm not a child anymore. At some point it has to click that even your son or daughter deserves some respect, a little praise, maybe some encouragement. I know I'm far from her equal but if I do everything that you ask and even things you don't, why do you dislike me so much? You see I'm not the only one who feels this way, my mom shares the same dislike for me. I guess she loves me, but likes me...that's definitely not happening. I know I shouldn't seek her approval, live for myself right? Wrong...how she raised me to do what she says, don't EVER question her even if the situation does involve me. I feel like her being so secretive crippled me in a lot of things, she does everything carries all the weight. I can't help her because I'm only a child. Then I have to listen to her complain about how I don't help but there are some things that I admire about my mom...her strength intrigues me, she's had to carry so many burdens...losing her father and best friend in a 4 month period, losing her mother and sister in a 1 year period. She carries pain and resentment around with her and lashes out at any moving target i.e. ME...and mentally and I don't know how much more I can take. The bullying has to stop somewhere, the looking down on me because I'm boisterous, and outgoing, I like to smile instead of scowl, and because I'd rather let go, love you, and move on than be unforgiving, vengeful and unhappy. You can only break a person down so much. I think I'm almost at my breaking point...How do I fix it before this tension becomes permanent and the wall between us is cemented?